Dear Wedding Planner: I have loved my fiancé, every since I first laid eyes on her, one-and-one-half years ago. Now that she has agreed to marry me, I am “over the moon” with happiness. The only problem is – she is now totally consumed with details of our wedding. She no longer has time for simple pleasures or romantic dinners or walks on the beach. She only talks about flowers and dresses and appetizers and she says I have to wear a tuxedo. I only wanted a simple wedding in the little church I’ve gone to all of my life. She wants the Hyatt Regency. I feel that she doesn’t even see me, anymore, only this wedding! What should I say or do? – Sad and lonely groom
Dear Lonely groom, I feel for you, and I hear similar stories, so often, I know you aren’t alone. That is probably scant comfort for you, however.
I am wondering how I can best convey a simple truth to you: There do seem to be some basic differences between male and female behaviors and agendas. One of these being attitudes towards marriage ceremonies.
I can’t even begin to explain why, but here it is: women begin dreaming of their wedding before they can tie their shoes. These dreams are well developed and often shared with girlfriends (I bet you and your friends didn’t do that, when you were kids). By the teen years, and the time of engagement, these dreams have become EPIC SCRIPTS.
When a woman meets her true love and decides to marry, it is time for her to direct her masterpiece theater. Visions of veils, bridesmaid gowns, and flower bouquets fill her mind. She dreams of rose pedals, champagne toasts and ROMANCE!
You’re probably thinking about romance, too, but perhaps in slightly different images. Perhaps you are dreaming of a forever passionate lover, lifelong friend and someone who understands you.
She is thinking of those things, too, and in the long term, are what are important to her. However, for many brides, the beginning of this lifelong partnership is the WEDDING. I do not exaggerate when I tell you that she will always consider this wedding day to be the most important event of her life so far – and maybe forever.
Of course, intimacy and living a life with you are important to her – why else would she choose to marry you (besides your great looks, devastating charm and huge fortune)?
The wedding is a rite of passage for a woman, from one life to another. It is for men, too, but they don’t always think of it as such or as much. Perhaps, you could reflect on the wedding’s importance to your fiancé, and share in her excitement. Ask if you could help with some of the activities and tasks. She would be so pleased, and you might have more fun than you anticipate.
Most likely, working on your wedding together, will bring you closer. Intimacy will grow and you might find yourself enjoying more romantic times, again.
If you just can’t see yourself getting involved in wedding planning, then be ready to offer a shoulder or foot massage after she spent the day shopping. If you are careful to not sound critical, you might want to share the feelings you described to me.
Whatever your approach, be patient and focus on the goal – a happy partnership. For many couples, planning their wedding is the first real trial of their life together, and I can assure you, there will be many more. So why not learn coping skills now.
Soon the planning will be over and your wedding day will be here. Get excited about it! Many grooms I have married have been surprised to find that they enjoyed the wedding more than they would have ever imagined. God bless you and congratulations.
THE END
Rev. Ayesha Sandra Lee, MC, MFT has a degree in communications from the University of Hawaii and a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Phoenix. She is a licensed, ordained minister and counselor. She owns, runs and is the head wedding planner for Merry Maui Weddings & Vacations – on the web at: http://www.merrymauiweddings.com. She is a published writer, a happily married wife, mother of three children and resides in Maui, Hawaii.
If you desire to have your wedding related question answered by Rev. Lee, please submit it through this site or mail it to: Merry Maui Weddings, P.O. Box 880080, Pukalani, HI 96788. If you have a serious issue that requires counseling services, we can also help. Rev. Lee offers private online or telephone counseling at affordable prices.
©2005 Rev. Ayesha Sandra Lee, MC, MFT
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