My parents are not contributing money, is my fiance entitled to invite more guests than me?

Dear Elizabeth:

We're getting married in 2006, and my question is this: I want a small and intimate wedding (100 guests and under). My fiancé is having a hard time cutting down his guest list so as not to offend distant family members and friends. Since his parents are chipping in a very small percentage for the wedding and my parents are not making a monetary contribution at all, is my fiancé (or rather, his parents) entitled to invite more guests than me? Could you offer any suggestions as to how to handle the situation?

Signed, Counting heads in Chino Hills


Dear Counting:

First of all, no, they aren't entitled to invite more people than you are. It's your wedding, and you should have the wedding you want, which includes the size of the guest list. Whether or not they feel entitled to invite as many people as they want is another thing, however. Plus, keep in mind that they're just excited for the two of you, and they want to include everyone in the celebration, and you, as you say, they really don't want to offend someone by not inviting them. Families are around for a long, long time, so it's definitely a consideration. Here are a few things you can do right off the bat:

1. Sit down with his family and go through the list of people that they want to invite. Find out who is most likely to attend, and who is not. You'll have to send invitations to everyone, but typically about 10% of invitees are not able to make it, so that should cut your numbers down.

2. Let them know that the contribution that they have so generously offered will be used for things like flowers, or hiring a DJ, or the limousine, as opposed to renting the reception hall or paying for catering, which you and your fiancé will be taking care of. They won't be in the position to have a say. And make it very clear what your budget is.

3. Since you're just starting to plan your wedding, include a fair number of smaller venues in your reception search. If you fall in love with one of them, then the number of guests should cease to be an issue.

Also, remember to keep telling your future in-laws how much you appreciate their help, which, of course, you do. But also keep telling them that you really do want a small, intimate wedding. Eventually, it should sink in. Good luck!

(From December 2004's "Ask Elizabeth" column)

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