Ask Elizabeth: Bridesmaid Troubles

Dear Elizabeth:

I asked a very dear friend of the family to be my maid of honor. She has accepted the position, and cried when I asked her. Now that a few months have passed, I'm wondering if I made a bad choice. She lives about 100 miles from me and has four kids. She did not make my moms bridal shower a couple months ago because she didn't have a babysitter. I'm just wondering if it is impolite to ask her to step down. It is hard for us to get together to plan, or shop because of the kids and the distance. What do I do? I feel she will have the honor of being my maid of honor without really helping me out.

Sincerely,
Confused in California


Dear Confused:

These days, it's not unusual for wedding party members to be scattered across the country, each with their own families and responsibilities, which, of course, makes it harder for everyone to meld their schedules. I'm sure, to a smaller scale, this is a problem that you have faced - and are going to face - with other members of your wedding party and family, not to mention your vendors.

I understand that you are frustrated because she hasn't been able to participate as much as you would like her to, but you would have to agree that her family has to come first with her. You asked her to be your Maid of Honor because you wanted her to stand up next to you on your special day, not just so you would have someone to run errands and plan events for you. I'm also sure that she would love to be there to help you run errands and plan events for you. So, I think that there are certain things you can do to improve the situation before you think about asking her to step down, and these will help you manage everyone else involved, as well.

If you have not already, send her the rest of your wedding party's email addresses and phone numbers, so that she can contact and coordinate with them directly. You might want to throw in your Mom's as well. Give her a call and go over everything that still needs to be done, that she can be expected to help out with, such as ordering bridesmaid dresses, planning a bachelorette party, another bridal shower, etc. Give her several alternative dates, not just one or two, that you will be available. Agree on a schedule, for instance, you want the dresses ordered by April 1st. You need to know when the next bridal shower is by February 20th (these are just examples), when you will talk and figure out who should be invited. Check in with her every couple of weeks to see how things are going, which will allow you to give input into the process as well.

These are things that you would have to do with anyone you pick to be Maid of Honor. Basically, just help her to help you. Give her a fair chance to step up. Most likely, you will be pleasantly surprised at the results.
(From the December '04 "Ask Elizabeth" Column)

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